It seems I've made the final sacrifice.

Where do I begin?
Someone once told me that the beginning was a very good place to start, although I'm not entirely sure it makes for the most thrilling story.

In the past few months, weeks, days, hours et cetera, I've been becoming steadily more accepting of myself & those around me. I'm sure it's a change for the better.
I wouldn't say that I'm happier now, but I'm certainly not miserable anymore. However, I haven't changed overnight into one of those irritating New Age happy people, who preach endlessly about how 'things will only get better'.
They won't. They usually get worse over time. However anyway, my point is even though I might have changed a little over the past few months, I still can't shake off the pessimistic nature that I have. It doesn't worry me, as I can see it as a positive thing. Paradox, you say! Well, you may be right.

However, what is human nature if not hypocritical? ;)

***

I don't really have much else to say. I'm still floating in the hazy summery limbo between school & university/real life. I'm enjoying it. It gives me an opportunity to watch mildly amusing panel quiz shows, long films & most obviously, House. I'm also reading lots of books, which keeps me sane & hopefully saves my brain from turning into television related mush. I'm also turning into a soup-maker-extraordinaire, as my mum can barely eat anything else. I've been raiding The Soup Bible (a legitimate cookbook, haha) for lots of interesting recipes. I love soup, yum. It's up there somewhere on my list of first loves.

Ah love. It's currently the bane of my life! I wouldn't say I'm in love with someone at the moment, because I'm not. I just know that the feelings are most certainly not reciprocated. Such is life. I'm not letting it bother me too much. I just feel like a silly old bean.

I'm sort of dreading August 20th (Exam Results day, for those not in the know). It's slowly creeping up on me & I can almost taste the disappointment. I've never once been happy on an exam results day. I've always felt I could do better. I suppose I should just stop being so critical. I'm trying my hardest not to think about it at the moment. I'm trying not to think about a lot of things to be frank.

"If you're happy, I'm..."

Some give blood, I give love.

Ahhh. Everything is a bit mad at the minute. Student loans are on my back, my mum had her jaw broken by the dentist & my roots are showing. :(
Woe, woe, woe.

I also still don't have a computer of my own, so mother is currently glaring whilst I rob hers.
I don't really have anything of particular interest to say at this current moment in time. This is just a quick one to tell you that I'm not dead, haha.

Thought of the day:
Is it possible for a book to change your life? I hope so.

All you do is fill me up with doubt.

It was Amy's birthday on Monday. She liked her present very much & I had a good time, up until I got so pissed that I blacked out. Nice.

I'm still sort of hiding in my little cave, due to embarrassment about my behaviour. I hate myself when I'm drunk. I hate not being in control.
You know when you drink to forget & it just follows you around? Blah.

I feel like I've explained all my life away in the space of an evening. I don't want everyone to know my secrets. It's tormenting me. I honestly can't remember half of what I said.
I suppose they are just thoughts. Everyone is slightly out of control & irresponsible sometimes.
It's just not usually me.

I've always hated burdening everyone with all of my shit. All of my stupid fucking baggage.
It's so idiotic it's led me to cursing.
It's not who I want to be. It's not who I want people to see me as. I have this ideal, this way in which I like to be perceived & I've totally broken it. Shattered it to pieces.
I hate people seeing me as vulnerable, upset, broken. I'm trying to break away from that right now. I want a more positive image of myself. I suppose I'm trying to kid myself by trying to do that right now. Maybe cartharsis is what I need.

I just feel so awful. I don't want to be this mess anymore. I have issues I need to deal with, but I don't want to deal with them openly. I don't want anyone to know & I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad decision.

I was reading the newspaper today & I came across my horoscope. Now I'm a complete skeptic & I hate them normally, but today it made me hate them even more.

"Feeling a bit lost? Getting a calmer & more balanced picture this week can be as simple as asking someones opinion! It is essential to admit you are human."

What happens when you want to be perfect? I don't want to be simply human. ;)