Feathers bend like trees in the moonlight.

I feel awful. I feel like a horrible person.
I can't keep myself from crying sometimes - three & a half years. That's a long time for someone of my age. I never meant to hurt anyone, let alone someone I care about deeply. I just hope that he knows how much I care. If he were to hate me - it would hurt, but I would accept it.
I've never deserved someone so understanding though. I'm too messed up, haha.

I hope that he is okay. I want to phone him up, just for a chat, but I'm scared that it will all end in tears. I don't want to mess his feelings around.

I would like to say that I'm coping well, but that would be a blatant lie. I definitely don't feel proud or happy with myself. Quite the opposite. I just hope things will work out okay. Friends is a nice way to be, right?

***

I'm just so confused.
I don't want to be hated by other people, I don't want to be seen as the 'bad woman'. At this current moment, I hate the decision I made. However, I feel like I can maybe accept who I really am now. I'm sick of being in denial. I'm sick of being so in denial that I can't even see it anymore.
I don't really quite know who to tell, to be perfectly honest.
I often think about saying it, but the words simply hover over my tongue & retreat back to the safety of my mind. I'm like that with a lot of things though. It's something I should've fixed a long time ago. Perhaps, I should start this year. Start afresh.

***

In other news, it is Bank Holiday Monday next week, which can only mean one thing... Going out on Sunday night! I'm looking forward to it. I just need to forget about the horrible thing I've done. I need to be all dressed up & cheered up. I might also go into Sixth Form tomorrow, to give Simon his present (finally). I just hope that he will be there. I hope that he'll like it. In fact, I'm pretty sure he will love it! Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I think it's time for a bath.
I'm also going to go drown my sorrows in Ashes to Ashes on BBC iPlayer, with some chocolate biscuits. Yay for police brutality - 1982 style. ;)

"There's a law against me now."