All you do is fill me up with doubt.

It was Amy's birthday on Monday. She liked her present very much & I had a good time, up until I got so pissed that I blacked out. Nice.

I'm still sort of hiding in my little cave, due to embarrassment about my behaviour. I hate myself when I'm drunk. I hate not being in control.
You know when you drink to forget & it just follows you around? Blah.

I feel like I've explained all my life away in the space of an evening. I don't want everyone to know my secrets. It's tormenting me. I honestly can't remember half of what I said.
I suppose they are just thoughts. Everyone is slightly out of control & irresponsible sometimes.
It's just not usually me.

I've always hated burdening everyone with all of my shit. All of my stupid fucking baggage.
It's so idiotic it's led me to cursing.
It's not who I want to be. It's not who I want people to see me as. I have this ideal, this way in which I like to be perceived & I've totally broken it. Shattered it to pieces.
I hate people seeing me as vulnerable, upset, broken. I'm trying to break away from that right now. I want a more positive image of myself. I suppose I'm trying to kid myself by trying to do that right now. Maybe cartharsis is what I need.

I just feel so awful. I don't want to be this mess anymore. I have issues I need to deal with, but I don't want to deal with them openly. I don't want anyone to know & I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad decision.

I was reading the newspaper today & I came across my horoscope. Now I'm a complete skeptic & I hate them normally, but today it made me hate them even more.

"Feeling a bit lost? Getting a calmer & more balanced picture this week can be as simple as asking someones opinion! It is essential to admit you are human."

What happens when you want to be perfect? I don't want to be simply human. ;)