"I shall never get out of this! There are two of me now:
This new absolutely white person and the old yellow one,
And the white person is certainly the superior one.
She doesn't need food, she is one of the real saints.
At the beginning I hated her, she had no personality --
She lay in bed with me like a dead body
And I was scared, because she was shaped just the way I was..."
I'm just so sick of this shit. I'm so angry right now.
I'm not even sure what I'm angry at anymore.
***
I feel endlessly, hopelessly, completely alone sometimes.
I wish that this wasn't my only output for these feelings because I feel that I use this blog for that line of thought far too much & it has become miserable, which is probably not very nice reading material. (Assuming that anyone other than my friends read this.)
I suppose I can't help the way I feel.
That has become my mantra throughout my life, but it doesn't make things any easier. I wish that I could help the way I feel, I wish I could alter my emotions & make them stop sometimes. I know it all sounds pretty nihilistic & extremely bleak but alas, such is life.
I don't really know where my life is going anymore. I'm scared.
I suppose I can't help the way I feel.
That has become my mantra throughout my life, but it doesn't make things any easier. I wish that I could help the way I feel, I wish I could alter my emotions & make them stop sometimes. I know it all sounds pretty nihilistic & extremely bleak but alas, such is life.
I don't really know where my life is going anymore. I'm scared.
Dang.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I found yer blog by clickin' on that link that says "next blog" on my home page.
I used to feel like this, exactly like this, when I was younger. I went for years, writin' in my paper journal about how miserable I was and how I'd always be unhappy and all that jazz. It wasn't just a "failure to deal" either, I had some seriously messed-up psychological issues goin' on back in the day which stretched back to childhood and all _that_ jazz.
Anyway, for whatever it's worth, situations change in life, and sometimes all ya need is a change of scenery. Fer me, I moved a bunch of times, and each time I was happy for a bit in the new environment, excited at the chance to be a new person to new people, but sure as shit, the 'ol me followed right behind and after a time I was right back to bein' as miserable as a wet rat.
I guess I finally realized that youth isn't finite, and it's best not to waste your healthy years, and I also fell ass-backwards into some really good luck, like great friends who had incredible patience with me, and ... I'll be damned if I don't smile every day now.
I wish ya all the best, I really do. Just keep on keepin' on, that's all anyone can do.
Cheers 'n all,
-The Trumplebum
Oh hey, I've been meaning to write a really long, in-depth comment to you about... this all. But every time I go to do it I just don't know what to say. Or write. I want to say all the stuff like, I'm here for you, you're not alone and all that but when I write it it all sounds so empty and meaningless, even though I MEAN IT.
ReplyDeleteI shall say this. I do know what you mean. I wish so hard sometimes that I could open my mouth and tell someone stuff but whenever I get even close to doing it my throat closes and I just can't do anything. And I end up bottling it up forever and it dissolves all the good things and eats everything up until its this huge issue.
Blogging will be good for you. Its nice to have a place to put all the stuff you can't say out loud. Who cares if people don't enjoy reading it? I do though, I think you write beautifully :)
You can talk to me. If you like. No pressure :) but, you know I'm an active listener ;)
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