As I live & breathe, you have killed me.

Not much to report really, I'm being rather lazy to be perfectly honest.
Recently, I've just been sitting around with my books, listening to Tori Amos' new album until it snaps in half, or something similar. I really like that album. I can't quite decide what song is my favourite though - I quite like 'Flavor', even if it pains me to write it minus the U! ;)
I like 'Welcome to England' too. I'm currently singing it to everyone, much to their annoyance.

However anyway, yesterday was a strange day. We had a barbeque, so my mum & I decided to pop out to the shops to get some food & things. As we walked around Somerfield (other supermarkets are available) Morrissey came on the radio... Hmm. It was only 'I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris', but nevertheless it took me by surprise. It also prompted my mother to take the piss out of me the whole time we were shopping. Nice.
'Do you like this song?'
'Well, I can't say I'm a big fan, mum. It's not his best.'
'His best? OOOoooOOOooh.' At this point, she promptly started prancing around the bread aisle. It's a good thing no-one was around.

So, after my mum had finished throwing herself at the bread rolls, we paid & packed & went home.
However, we found Morrissey blaring out of the speakers at home as well. My step-dad had put it on, which prompted a look from my mother that said 'Piss-taking will commence in 5...4...3...2...1... GO GO GO'

However, with a serve faster than Roger Federer on speed, I shot back a look that said 'ARGHEHHYURFHOJIH shut it... please?'

Therefore, we ended up having a nice barbeque, with Ringleader of the Tormentors in the background. No making fun of me, for a change.

***

I'm sick. Tired. Fed-up. Bored.
I always thought that I would be conscience-free: off doing what I want, when I want. I always thought I would be the one to 'get out there' & enjoy life.
How funny things can be.
I'm stuck at home, except when I head out to work or out drinking.
'Out drinking, you say?' Surely that can fill the great big gaping hole in my life?
Wrong.

I go out & have a good time when I'm there. You know, laughing & joking, being nice, being normal. When I get home, however, it's a different story. It's not so much Jekyll & Hyde as Mr Benn. I feel like I put on all those different outfits & become who I think others would like to see.

The question is: who do I want to see?

***

Jumble, jumble, jumble.
I'm back to feeling like the old ragdoll chucked on top of the 'For sale' heap.
Will anyone buy me? Probably not, haha. I'm too worn out, full of broken parts. I'm not worth the penny I'm priced at. ;)

I feel like all I do is deal in secrets & lies these days. I don't really talk to anyone about secrets anymore. I suppose it's a childish notion really, sharing secrets.
I just miss feeling like I belonged. That's all I've ever really wanted.
I don't have that anymore.
I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine.

Is this really such a bad way to live?
I'm not quite sure what the answer is yet. I'm just left with a feeling of being totally overwhelmed by everything.
Oh, there's just too many choices for me to deal with.
Stupid God. If you're up there, why isn't everything pre-determined? :/
Stop making this difficult for me! Haha.

Of course, I can't prove the existence of God & neither can you.
So it's pretty pointless talking about it, eh? ;)

***

I just wish I could find myself. I wish I had certainty, clarity, assurance. I wish I could sort everything out. I wish it wasn't beyond my power. I want to be someone's rock. I want someone, something, to depend on me. I don't want to be forgotten. I wish I was just like my mother. I want to be strong. I want to lose weight. I want to be emotionally fulfilled, whatever that means. I want to be who you see. I want to be beautiful. I want to be loved. I wish I was talented. I wish I was special. I don't want to be just there. I want to be respected, but not feared. I'd like to have a cat. I want a stranger to fall for me, instead of the opposite. I want to be young & free. I wish I could stop pondering. I want to be exciting. I'm tired of being perpetually dissastisfied. I want to look to the future & stop wondering about the past. I want to be thin. I wish I was tall. I would really like some new shoes. I want to start over, clean slate, tabula rasa, blank card, new shoots. I would like to write a book. I wish I was good enough to write a book. I wish I had Bernards Watch. I wish I could stop wishing & just get out there & live life. I hope that I'll change. I want to be envied, admired & loved. I wish things weren't so confusing. I wish that you would sort me out. I want to be empowered. I want someone to tell me that I'm wonderful & I want to actually believe their words. I want to shake off those high expectations. I want to just be, & be happy.

Piazza Cavour, what's my life for?