Kiss the violets as they're waking up.

Small thought for today: Tori Amos is actually a MILF. ;)


I haven't really been up to anything exciting of late. There's been too many exams, to be perfectly honest. I'm not really sure how I've done. Stress, stress, stress.

I've been attempting to write as well. I'm actually rubbish at it, but I'm still trying. Haha. Lots of writing & reading have been going on in my little sphere. I've read some really good books in the past few weeks. Some that have changed my perspective on a lot of things.

My laptop has also commited suicide, so I'm illicitly using my mothers. I hope she doesn't find out. ;)

***

A few thoughts that have been whirring around my head lately. (I'd be pretty disturbed if they weren't to be prefectly honest ;D ) I've realised that I'm alone, but I'm not as lonely as I used to believe. I'm a pretty secretive person & I used to believe that was a bad trait. I now think the opposite. I like it. I don't want you to know absolutely everything. It would be rather boring if you did.

Life is too short for me to let it pass by. This doesn't mean I'm suddenly an optimist. There's something rather satisfactory about being pessimistic - I know that's a paradox, but it's true. ;)
I can't just be angry with myself forever. I'm through with the guilt & shame & the tears & pretending it's all okay.
Well, at least until tomorrow.

***

I apologise for this blog, I realise that it contains nothing of any interest at all. I just thought I better inform you (if you actually are out there, haha) that I'm not dead, or worse.

One final thought before I leave: you don't really know me at all, but you like to think you do. You make assumptions about me based on what little information you have. I don't understand why you did what you did. Jealousy? Spite? Hatred? To provoke a reaction? I'm not sure. Perhaps it was all of these reasons. I thought I needed you, but perhaps I don't. Maybe I do. I'm not entirely sure at the moment. I know that what I do need is confidence, assurance, friendship. I'm through with putting myself in a little box, just so that others can feel comfortable. I'm through with this great front that I put on.

I don't need you to tell me who I am, because I think I already know.

Paint a vulgar picture.

I haven't done anything today. I'm so lazy. :/
I didn't wake up until 1.00pm, so it was too late to go into school. I feel stupid. Oh well.
There's an advert on the tele about how Nostradamus predicted 9/11. How stupid. Apparently, his work has never/rarely gone out of print, even though there is serious mistranslation/interpretations of his work. You can make the quatrains fit any situation if you want. Blah. It's silly.

Now there's a programme on the tele about body modification. It's rather interesting. A man is getting a big pattern cut into his back. Ouch, it looks painful.

Today has been another strange day. It seems as if I'm suffering from a long string of strange days. I'm not quite sure what it is to be perfectly honest, but I was watching the tele last night, watching a concert, and I was hit by this feeling: an understanding of how we, as humans, are perpetually lonely. I don't mean that in a negative context, I just think that no matter how much we can connect with another human being, we can never truly know how they feel. You can try to empathise, sympathise, understand, but it never really works. Hmm. Maybe I speculate too much? Perhaps.

There seems to be too many strange thoughts floating around my head at the moment. Should I stay, should I go? Am I this person, or am I that kind of person? Does anyone actually like me for who I am? etc etc etc. I feel as if I'm standing on unsteady ground, just waiting for it to swallow me up and let me into the great 'secrets of life'. Perhaps there aren't any secrets to life. That would be an awful shame. I like secrets, haha.

I'm absolutely up to the eyeballs on pro plus and coffee, so I really want to write. However, I don't really know what to write here, as usual. I could go on and on about my life, but I don't suppose it makes interesting reading material. Not that many people will be reading this anyway! ;]

Oh yes, oh yes. I forgot. I've made some plans for the future now. I've actually got some ambitions, haha. I've decided that next year, or maybe 2011, that I want to do Camp America (www.campamerica.co.uk/index.php if you want to find out more) so I can just have a good time & get to help kids: something I have always wanted to do. It also gives the opportunity to travel & meet new people, so hopefully my stupidly low confidence will increase. :} It does mean spending summer away from home & perhaps 4000 miles away, but I've decided not to sit on my arse anymore & let opportunites pass me by. I've also decided on doing some volunteer work in the next few years, maybe not until after uni, in Estonia or maybe Romania. I'd like to do something worthwhile. Did you know that an estimated 75% of 0-3 year olds are in institutions/orphanages in Estonia?

I want to travel and see the world before I settle down to a career. I'm slightly scared that I might like travelling too much & end up living in some sort of crazy commune like in 'The Beach'! Haha. Then my degree (hopeful) would be for nothing. I sometimes think that theres much more to life than education, but I can also see the importance of academic study, I suppose. I want a degree, simply to have the security that it offers & because I actually enjoy learning, even though I know that it's not the be all & end all. Someone once said: 'There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more.' ;]

I have my psychology assignment to finish, and a stupid philosophy/ethics essay for Miss Kellsall. Grr. I can't be bothered to do it & it's also pretty late. I better do it anyway. :/

Ta ta.