Some give blood, I give love.

Ahhh. Everything is a bit mad at the minute. Student loans are on my back, my mum had her jaw broken by the dentist & my roots are showing. :(
Woe, woe, woe.

I also still don't have a computer of my own, so mother is currently glaring whilst I rob hers.
I don't really have anything of particular interest to say at this current moment in time. This is just a quick one to tell you that I'm not dead, haha.

Thought of the day:
Is it possible for a book to change your life? I hope so.

All you do is fill me up with doubt.

It was Amy's birthday on Monday. She liked her present very much & I had a good time, up until I got so pissed that I blacked out. Nice.

I'm still sort of hiding in my little cave, due to embarrassment about my behaviour. I hate myself when I'm drunk. I hate not being in control.
You know when you drink to forget & it just follows you around? Blah.

I feel like I've explained all my life away in the space of an evening. I don't want everyone to know my secrets. It's tormenting me. I honestly can't remember half of what I said.
I suppose they are just thoughts. Everyone is slightly out of control & irresponsible sometimes.
It's just not usually me.

I've always hated burdening everyone with all of my shit. All of my stupid fucking baggage.
It's so idiotic it's led me to cursing.
It's not who I want to be. It's not who I want people to see me as. I have this ideal, this way in which I like to be perceived & I've totally broken it. Shattered it to pieces.
I hate people seeing me as vulnerable, upset, broken. I'm trying to break away from that right now. I want a more positive image of myself. I suppose I'm trying to kid myself by trying to do that right now. Maybe cartharsis is what I need.

I just feel so awful. I don't want to be this mess anymore. I have issues I need to deal with, but I don't want to deal with them openly. I don't want anyone to know & I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad decision.

I was reading the newspaper today & I came across my horoscope. Now I'm a complete skeptic & I hate them normally, but today it made me hate them even more.

"Feeling a bit lost? Getting a calmer & more balanced picture this week can be as simple as asking someones opinion! It is essential to admit you are human."

What happens when you want to be perfect? I don't want to be simply human. ;)

Only stone & steel accept my love.

Gosh. Sometimes it's hard.

Buying birthday presents, I mean.
The handmade present is off unfortunately due to my laptop dying on me. I'm currently borrowing my step-brother's & it's from the Stone Age. I'm surprised that it's letting me type rather quickly.

However anyway, the aforementioned birthday present. I'm stuck as to what to buy. I see lots of things I like... & then I remember that I'm not buying for myself, haha. I'm not going to post the gifts I have in mind, as there is a great possibility that she might just read this. ;)

***

I'm going to London this weekend with my mum & sister, which should be exciting.
(Perhaps I'll get a good gift there?)
We're going to see Oliver & do some shopping which will be nice as it's not often that we get to do things together anymore. I look forward to this girly weekend! ;)
It's my sisters birthday next week too & I need to get her a really nice gift, as I'm the most rubbish sister ever. I'm always forgetting things & being a general hinderance.

***

In other news: I'm feeling alright about most things, but not about others. That same thought still pops into my head when I try to sleep at night. I'm sick of being bothered by silly thoughts.
Is it wrong that it makes me sad to see people going about their lives & being happy? I sort of wish it were me.

On the other hand, I'm not stupidly deressed about anything in particular. I wouldn't say I'm feeling positive all of a sudden, but I'm steadily getting there.
It must be the hazy summer air.

I'll follow you until you love me.

Hmm. Just a quick one today. I've sort of garnered a strange fondness for Lady Gaga, which worries me immensely. I was watching Glastonbury coverage last night & I just sort of fell in love. I think I really need to visit the doctor. My musical credibility is seriously at stake- not that it was that high to begin with, haha. I don't think her music is particularly amazing, but I just love her silly outfits! They are just too silly not to exist. She makes me giggle... & I sort of want a flashing 'disco stick'. Haha.

I will understand if you want to disown me! I should be ashamed. ;)

I think it might just be the influence of the shoulder pads, which I love & I know I shouldn't.
Let's put it this way - I wouldn't say no. ;)

As I live & breathe, you have killed me.

Not much to report really, I'm being rather lazy to be perfectly honest.
Recently, I've just been sitting around with my books, listening to Tori Amos' new album until it snaps in half, or something similar. I really like that album. I can't quite decide what song is my favourite though - I quite like 'Flavor', even if it pains me to write it minus the U! ;)
I like 'Welcome to England' too. I'm currently singing it to everyone, much to their annoyance.

However anyway, yesterday was a strange day. We had a barbeque, so my mum & I decided to pop out to the shops to get some food & things. As we walked around Somerfield (other supermarkets are available) Morrissey came on the radio... Hmm. It was only 'I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris', but nevertheless it took me by surprise. It also prompted my mother to take the piss out of me the whole time we were shopping. Nice.
'Do you like this song?'
'Well, I can't say I'm a big fan, mum. It's not his best.'
'His best? OOOoooOOOooh.' At this point, she promptly started prancing around the bread aisle. It's a good thing no-one was around.

So, after my mum had finished throwing herself at the bread rolls, we paid & packed & went home.
However, we found Morrissey blaring out of the speakers at home as well. My step-dad had put it on, which prompted a look from my mother that said 'Piss-taking will commence in 5...4...3...2...1... GO GO GO'

However, with a serve faster than Roger Federer on speed, I shot back a look that said 'ARGHEHHYURFHOJIH shut it... please?'

Therefore, we ended up having a nice barbeque, with Ringleader of the Tormentors in the background. No making fun of me, for a change.

***

I'm sick. Tired. Fed-up. Bored.
I always thought that I would be conscience-free: off doing what I want, when I want. I always thought I would be the one to 'get out there' & enjoy life.
How funny things can be.
I'm stuck at home, except when I head out to work or out drinking.
'Out drinking, you say?' Surely that can fill the great big gaping hole in my life?
Wrong.

I go out & have a good time when I'm there. You know, laughing & joking, being nice, being normal. When I get home, however, it's a different story. It's not so much Jekyll & Hyde as Mr Benn. I feel like I put on all those different outfits & become who I think others would like to see.

The question is: who do I want to see?

***

Jumble, jumble, jumble.
I'm back to feeling like the old ragdoll chucked on top of the 'For sale' heap.
Will anyone buy me? Probably not, haha. I'm too worn out, full of broken parts. I'm not worth the penny I'm priced at. ;)

I feel like all I do is deal in secrets & lies these days. I don't really talk to anyone about secrets anymore. I suppose it's a childish notion really, sharing secrets.
I just miss feeling like I belonged. That's all I've ever really wanted.
I don't have that anymore.
I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine.

Is this really such a bad way to live?
I'm not quite sure what the answer is yet. I'm just left with a feeling of being totally overwhelmed by everything.
Oh, there's just too many choices for me to deal with.
Stupid God. If you're up there, why isn't everything pre-determined? :/
Stop making this difficult for me! Haha.

Of course, I can't prove the existence of God & neither can you.
So it's pretty pointless talking about it, eh? ;)

***

I just wish I could find myself. I wish I had certainty, clarity, assurance. I wish I could sort everything out. I wish it wasn't beyond my power. I want to be someone's rock. I want someone, something, to depend on me. I don't want to be forgotten. I wish I was just like my mother. I want to be strong. I want to lose weight. I want to be emotionally fulfilled, whatever that means. I want to be who you see. I want to be beautiful. I want to be loved. I wish I was talented. I wish I was special. I don't want to be just there. I want to be respected, but not feared. I'd like to have a cat. I want a stranger to fall for me, instead of the opposite. I want to be young & free. I wish I could stop pondering. I want to be exciting. I'm tired of being perpetually dissastisfied. I want to look to the future & stop wondering about the past. I want to be thin. I wish I was tall. I would really like some new shoes. I want to start over, clean slate, tabula rasa, blank card, new shoots. I would like to write a book. I wish I was good enough to write a book. I wish I had Bernards Watch. I wish I could stop wishing & just get out there & live life. I hope that I'll change. I want to be envied, admired & loved. I wish things weren't so confusing. I wish that you would sort me out. I want to be empowered. I want someone to tell me that I'm wonderful & I want to actually believe their words. I want to shake off those high expectations. I want to just be, & be happy.

Piazza Cavour, what's my life for?

Behold the decline and fall, all hold hands with our backs to the wall.

No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. I don't hate you. Never have really.
I just wondered why you decided to tell me about that. I mean, I wouldn't do the same to you.
Don't do me an injustice by pretending I would.
It only hurt because I thought you were trying to rub it in my face.
Plus, it's not that we're not talking, it's that I have a lack of funds in my phone. So there you go.

***

I've not really been too productive since I last blogged. I've been revising lots & I had my last exam today! I think it went okay really. I don't want to tempt fate by saying how I thought I'd done. Now all that lies ahead of me is Prom on Friday (or should that be Summer Ball, haha) & a long lazy summer. Well, I wish. I may be obtaining a job at ASDA soon. Wow. I'm exciting. Frankly, I need the money for when I start university in September. It all seems to be happening so fast now!
I'm just going to attempt to have a lazy hazy summer, reading books in the garden & drinking copious amounts of blackcurrant juice.
I also may be going to Twycross Zoo with my mum & niece. I really hope we go! I'm such a big kid, haha. I just love Pet's Corner & want to run around with the goats. Ha. I love goats.

***

On the other hand, I'm quite sad to be leaving people who I've become quite friendly with over the past year. I've really come to love my Philosophy class & our furious debates... usually over adverts & reality tv, but oh well. I'm going to miss missing the bus in the mornings too! Haha.

I'm looking forward to Prom this week to be honest, although I'm not too sure about my headpiece/fascinator thing. I think it looks a bit too much like something that would be worn to a wedding. I don't want to look overdone.

***

You could say that I'm a happier person now, but then that would be slanderous lies. I'm just getting by okay, just trying to cope really. I had a mental breakdown the other night though.
Too much on my mind + Jack Daniels + Bacardi = tears.
I feel ultimately indebted to that person who was there for me. They know who they are. I feel a bit of release now that I've been able to tell someone about it. You really know when you've got good friends when they're willing to sit at a bus stop until 4:00am with you, just making sure you're okay.
I felt really guilty about it the next day, but as I said, I'm done with guilt.
It just isn't me anymore.
:)

Kiss the violets as they're waking up.

Small thought for today: Tori Amos is actually a MILF. ;)


I haven't really been up to anything exciting of late. There's been too many exams, to be perfectly honest. I'm not really sure how I've done. Stress, stress, stress.

I've been attempting to write as well. I'm actually rubbish at it, but I'm still trying. Haha. Lots of writing & reading have been going on in my little sphere. I've read some really good books in the past few weeks. Some that have changed my perspective on a lot of things.

My laptop has also commited suicide, so I'm illicitly using my mothers. I hope she doesn't find out. ;)

***

A few thoughts that have been whirring around my head lately. (I'd be pretty disturbed if they weren't to be prefectly honest ;D ) I've realised that I'm alone, but I'm not as lonely as I used to believe. I'm a pretty secretive person & I used to believe that was a bad trait. I now think the opposite. I like it. I don't want you to know absolutely everything. It would be rather boring if you did.

Life is too short for me to let it pass by. This doesn't mean I'm suddenly an optimist. There's something rather satisfactory about being pessimistic - I know that's a paradox, but it's true. ;)
I can't just be angry with myself forever. I'm through with the guilt & shame & the tears & pretending it's all okay.
Well, at least until tomorrow.

***

I apologise for this blog, I realise that it contains nothing of any interest at all. I just thought I better inform you (if you actually are out there, haha) that I'm not dead, or worse.

One final thought before I leave: you don't really know me at all, but you like to think you do. You make assumptions about me based on what little information you have. I don't understand why you did what you did. Jealousy? Spite? Hatred? To provoke a reaction? I'm not sure. Perhaps it was all of these reasons. I thought I needed you, but perhaps I don't. Maybe I do. I'm not entirely sure at the moment. I know that what I do need is confidence, assurance, friendship. I'm through with putting myself in a little box, just so that others can feel comfortable. I'm through with this great front that I put on.

I don't need you to tell me who I am, because I think I already know.