Today was remarkably less sunny than the days before. I wish it had stayed nice.
We were studying existentialism in philosophy & ethics today, when my teacher asked us if we had ever had the feelings of angst & dread described in the text, & he told us a tale about Camus (I think it was him) & a book he wrote. Apparently in this book he described how the world totally overwhelmed him & he realised that only death is permanent and that the events and actions in one's life are meaningless.Trying to comprehend the 'everything-ness' of it all eventually led him to kill himself. (Fictionally.)
He then asked the class if we ever felt like that, if we felt overwhelmed by the world, & everyone just laughed. I sat silently in my chair, knowing that is how I feel every single day.
(I don't think I've done a very good job of explaining Camus & his book or whatever.)
I was also reading my (written) journal the other day when I realised how much I had abandoned it. I abandoned it for this blog which in a way is less private, but contains more purpose. Or at least I'd like to believe so. It's rather funny how frank I am in my journal in contrast to the ambiguity of this blog. Altogether, ambiguity is not really a bad trait to have. ;)
Or at least I would like to think so.
One of these days, preferably a hazy drunken afternoon, I will loosen my tongue. I will talk about how I feel, I will talk about the confusion, I will talk about the sadness, about the bad times, the weather, politics & suicide. I will talk about how to make the perfect muffin, how to pretend you can dance, the motives, the apathy, the fear & admiration. I'm just not entirely sure when this will be. I anticipate it wholeheartedly.
***
Last night I was thinking. As usual.
I was thinking about all the things I really miss. I don't know how I've come to miss them because before this I never really realised that they had gone away. I suppose you only know what you've got 'til it's gone, eh?
A list:
how you used to pick me up & spin me around, having a bath in a house that is not your own - but it's okay, pretending to have a string out the top of my head, thinking I was the bees knees, dressing (& dancing) like a star, never actually getting the 11.30 train & being too cool for the back of the train, immensely high platform boots, dances in the kitchen to songs we never liked, hide & seek in a cul-de-sac, when hanging round the skate park was cool, lying in that bed until 3.00pm - simply because it was cold, changing room gossip, when things felt new & exciting, garage lunches, colour co-ordinated lunches - purple especially, being part of 'the girls', when a crush didn't become complicated, feeling like growing up was a long way away, having nice conversations with an art teacher, misusing the iMac to play on Garageband, "why do I do all the donkey work?", the kitchen table, going round the roundabout until you felt sick & deliberately bumping each other on the see-saw, walking your dog, staying up all night to talk utter nonsense, thinking I was good at writing poetry - hah, when Pimp My Ride UK used to make us roll around the floor, how you used to always make me food, when I could do a reasonably good french accent, messing around with tapes, actually having artistic talent, performing on stage, "thinking about playing badminton", the endless walk home, being good at denying my feelings, having pink hair, that day we sat on the swings in the rain, having a friend who didn't hide the facts of that situation, writing the most awful songs, the "mellow yellow cello", Kate Bush down the Low Green, nipping into Stationary Box, going to a practise booth & just talking to the person next door, when that girl tripped on the treadmill, "1... 2... It's the Gothic crew" - made up by other people & not a self inflicted name!, fancying those 6th years, my first pair of New Rocks, being a token couple, going to the Cathouse, buying overpriced clothes - I still do this tbh, wiring our first plug with Mr Gray!, before striped tights & socks got banned from school, "IT'S NOT A TRUMPET, IT'S AN Eb CORNET!", when kisses in the rain were actively seeked out, getting out of lessons all day for christmas concerts, the way we knitted our fingers together on walks home from the park - like it was a crime, when it was £2.35 for a return to Glasgow, feeling like I meant something.
etc etc etc etc etc.
That dog is howling outside my window again.
