It seems I've made the final sacrifice.

Where do I begin?
Someone once told me that the beginning was a very good place to start, although I'm not entirely sure it makes for the most thrilling story.

In the past few months, weeks, days, hours et cetera, I've been becoming steadily more accepting of myself & those around me. I'm sure it's a change for the better.
I wouldn't say that I'm happier now, but I'm certainly not miserable anymore. However, I haven't changed overnight into one of those irritating New Age happy people, who preach endlessly about how 'things will only get better'.
They won't. They usually get worse over time. However anyway, my point is even though I might have changed a little over the past few months, I still can't shake off the pessimistic nature that I have. It doesn't worry me, as I can see it as a positive thing. Paradox, you say! Well, you may be right.

However, what is human nature if not hypocritical? ;)

***

I don't really have much else to say. I'm still floating in the hazy summery limbo between school & university/real life. I'm enjoying it. It gives me an opportunity to watch mildly amusing panel quiz shows, long films & most obviously, House. I'm also reading lots of books, which keeps me sane & hopefully saves my brain from turning into television related mush. I'm also turning into a soup-maker-extraordinaire, as my mum can barely eat anything else. I've been raiding The Soup Bible (a legitimate cookbook, haha) for lots of interesting recipes. I love soup, yum. It's up there somewhere on my list of first loves.

Ah love. It's currently the bane of my life! I wouldn't say I'm in love with someone at the moment, because I'm not. I just know that the feelings are most certainly not reciprocated. Such is life. I'm not letting it bother me too much. I just feel like a silly old bean.

I'm sort of dreading August 20th (Exam Results day, for those not in the know). It's slowly creeping up on me & I can almost taste the disappointment. I've never once been happy on an exam results day. I've always felt I could do better. I suppose I should just stop being so critical. I'm trying my hardest not to think about it at the moment. I'm trying not to think about a lot of things to be frank.

"If you're happy, I'm..."

Some give blood, I give love.

Ahhh. Everything is a bit mad at the minute. Student loans are on my back, my mum had her jaw broken by the dentist & my roots are showing. :(
Woe, woe, woe.

I also still don't have a computer of my own, so mother is currently glaring whilst I rob hers.
I don't really have anything of particular interest to say at this current moment in time. This is just a quick one to tell you that I'm not dead, haha.

Thought of the day:
Is it possible for a book to change your life? I hope so.

All you do is fill me up with doubt.

It was Amy's birthday on Monday. She liked her present very much & I had a good time, up until I got so pissed that I blacked out. Nice.

I'm still sort of hiding in my little cave, due to embarrassment about my behaviour. I hate myself when I'm drunk. I hate not being in control.
You know when you drink to forget & it just follows you around? Blah.

I feel like I've explained all my life away in the space of an evening. I don't want everyone to know my secrets. It's tormenting me. I honestly can't remember half of what I said.
I suppose they are just thoughts. Everyone is slightly out of control & irresponsible sometimes.
It's just not usually me.

I've always hated burdening everyone with all of my shit. All of my stupid fucking baggage.
It's so idiotic it's led me to cursing.
It's not who I want to be. It's not who I want people to see me as. I have this ideal, this way in which I like to be perceived & I've totally broken it. Shattered it to pieces.
I hate people seeing me as vulnerable, upset, broken. I'm trying to break away from that right now. I want a more positive image of myself. I suppose I'm trying to kid myself by trying to do that right now. Maybe cartharsis is what I need.

I just feel so awful. I don't want to be this mess anymore. I have issues I need to deal with, but I don't want to deal with them openly. I don't want anyone to know & I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad decision.

I was reading the newspaper today & I came across my horoscope. Now I'm a complete skeptic & I hate them normally, but today it made me hate them even more.

"Feeling a bit lost? Getting a calmer & more balanced picture this week can be as simple as asking someones opinion! It is essential to admit you are human."

What happens when you want to be perfect? I don't want to be simply human. ;)

Only stone & steel accept my love.

Gosh. Sometimes it's hard.

Buying birthday presents, I mean.
The handmade present is off unfortunately due to my laptop dying on me. I'm currently borrowing my step-brother's & it's from the Stone Age. I'm surprised that it's letting me type rather quickly.

However anyway, the aforementioned birthday present. I'm stuck as to what to buy. I see lots of things I like... & then I remember that I'm not buying for myself, haha. I'm not going to post the gifts I have in mind, as there is a great possibility that she might just read this. ;)

***

I'm going to London this weekend with my mum & sister, which should be exciting.
(Perhaps I'll get a good gift there?)
We're going to see Oliver & do some shopping which will be nice as it's not often that we get to do things together anymore. I look forward to this girly weekend! ;)
It's my sisters birthday next week too & I need to get her a really nice gift, as I'm the most rubbish sister ever. I'm always forgetting things & being a general hinderance.

***

In other news: I'm feeling alright about most things, but not about others. That same thought still pops into my head when I try to sleep at night. I'm sick of being bothered by silly thoughts.
Is it wrong that it makes me sad to see people going about their lives & being happy? I sort of wish it were me.

On the other hand, I'm not stupidly deressed about anything in particular. I wouldn't say I'm feeling positive all of a sudden, but I'm steadily getting there.
It must be the hazy summer air.

I'll follow you until you love me.

Hmm. Just a quick one today. I've sort of garnered a strange fondness for Lady Gaga, which worries me immensely. I was watching Glastonbury coverage last night & I just sort of fell in love. I think I really need to visit the doctor. My musical credibility is seriously at stake- not that it was that high to begin with, haha. I don't think her music is particularly amazing, but I just love her silly outfits! They are just too silly not to exist. She makes me giggle... & I sort of want a flashing 'disco stick'. Haha.

I will understand if you want to disown me! I should be ashamed. ;)

I think it might just be the influence of the shoulder pads, which I love & I know I shouldn't.
Let's put it this way - I wouldn't say no. ;)

As I live & breathe, you have killed me.

Not much to report really, I'm being rather lazy to be perfectly honest.
Recently, I've just been sitting around with my books, listening to Tori Amos' new album until it snaps in half, or something similar. I really like that album. I can't quite decide what song is my favourite though - I quite like 'Flavor', even if it pains me to write it minus the U! ;)
I like 'Welcome to England' too. I'm currently singing it to everyone, much to their annoyance.

However anyway, yesterday was a strange day. We had a barbeque, so my mum & I decided to pop out to the shops to get some food & things. As we walked around Somerfield (other supermarkets are available) Morrissey came on the radio... Hmm. It was only 'I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris', but nevertheless it took me by surprise. It also prompted my mother to take the piss out of me the whole time we were shopping. Nice.
'Do you like this song?'
'Well, I can't say I'm a big fan, mum. It's not his best.'
'His best? OOOoooOOOooh.' At this point, she promptly started prancing around the bread aisle. It's a good thing no-one was around.

So, after my mum had finished throwing herself at the bread rolls, we paid & packed & went home.
However, we found Morrissey blaring out of the speakers at home as well. My step-dad had put it on, which prompted a look from my mother that said 'Piss-taking will commence in 5...4...3...2...1... GO GO GO'

However, with a serve faster than Roger Federer on speed, I shot back a look that said 'ARGHEHHYURFHOJIH shut it... please?'

Therefore, we ended up having a nice barbeque, with Ringleader of the Tormentors in the background. No making fun of me, for a change.

***

I'm sick. Tired. Fed-up. Bored.
I always thought that I would be conscience-free: off doing what I want, when I want. I always thought I would be the one to 'get out there' & enjoy life.
How funny things can be.
I'm stuck at home, except when I head out to work or out drinking.
'Out drinking, you say?' Surely that can fill the great big gaping hole in my life?
Wrong.

I go out & have a good time when I'm there. You know, laughing & joking, being nice, being normal. When I get home, however, it's a different story. It's not so much Jekyll & Hyde as Mr Benn. I feel like I put on all those different outfits & become who I think others would like to see.

The question is: who do I want to see?

***

Jumble, jumble, jumble.
I'm back to feeling like the old ragdoll chucked on top of the 'For sale' heap.
Will anyone buy me? Probably not, haha. I'm too worn out, full of broken parts. I'm not worth the penny I'm priced at. ;)

I feel like all I do is deal in secrets & lies these days. I don't really talk to anyone about secrets anymore. I suppose it's a childish notion really, sharing secrets.
I just miss feeling like I belonged. That's all I've ever really wanted.
I don't have that anymore.
I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine.

Is this really such a bad way to live?
I'm not quite sure what the answer is yet. I'm just left with a feeling of being totally overwhelmed by everything.
Oh, there's just too many choices for me to deal with.
Stupid God. If you're up there, why isn't everything pre-determined? :/
Stop making this difficult for me! Haha.

Of course, I can't prove the existence of God & neither can you.
So it's pretty pointless talking about it, eh? ;)

***

I just wish I could find myself. I wish I had certainty, clarity, assurance. I wish I could sort everything out. I wish it wasn't beyond my power. I want to be someone's rock. I want someone, something, to depend on me. I don't want to be forgotten. I wish I was just like my mother. I want to be strong. I want to lose weight. I want to be emotionally fulfilled, whatever that means. I want to be who you see. I want to be beautiful. I want to be loved. I wish I was talented. I wish I was special. I don't want to be just there. I want to be respected, but not feared. I'd like to have a cat. I want a stranger to fall for me, instead of the opposite. I want to be young & free. I wish I could stop pondering. I want to be exciting. I'm tired of being perpetually dissastisfied. I want to look to the future & stop wondering about the past. I want to be thin. I wish I was tall. I would really like some new shoes. I want to start over, clean slate, tabula rasa, blank card, new shoots. I would like to write a book. I wish I was good enough to write a book. I wish I had Bernards Watch. I wish I could stop wishing & just get out there & live life. I hope that I'll change. I want to be envied, admired & loved. I wish things weren't so confusing. I wish that you would sort me out. I want to be empowered. I want someone to tell me that I'm wonderful & I want to actually believe their words. I want to shake off those high expectations. I want to just be, & be happy.

Piazza Cavour, what's my life for?

Behold the decline and fall, all hold hands with our backs to the wall.

No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. I don't hate you. Never have really.
I just wondered why you decided to tell me about that. I mean, I wouldn't do the same to you.
Don't do me an injustice by pretending I would.
It only hurt because I thought you were trying to rub it in my face.
Plus, it's not that we're not talking, it's that I have a lack of funds in my phone. So there you go.

***

I've not really been too productive since I last blogged. I've been revising lots & I had my last exam today! I think it went okay really. I don't want to tempt fate by saying how I thought I'd done. Now all that lies ahead of me is Prom on Friday (or should that be Summer Ball, haha) & a long lazy summer. Well, I wish. I may be obtaining a job at ASDA soon. Wow. I'm exciting. Frankly, I need the money for when I start university in September. It all seems to be happening so fast now!
I'm just going to attempt to have a lazy hazy summer, reading books in the garden & drinking copious amounts of blackcurrant juice.
I also may be going to Twycross Zoo with my mum & niece. I really hope we go! I'm such a big kid, haha. I just love Pet's Corner & want to run around with the goats. Ha. I love goats.

***

On the other hand, I'm quite sad to be leaving people who I've become quite friendly with over the past year. I've really come to love my Philosophy class & our furious debates... usually over adverts & reality tv, but oh well. I'm going to miss missing the bus in the mornings too! Haha.

I'm looking forward to Prom this week to be honest, although I'm not too sure about my headpiece/fascinator thing. I think it looks a bit too much like something that would be worn to a wedding. I don't want to look overdone.

***

You could say that I'm a happier person now, but then that would be slanderous lies. I'm just getting by okay, just trying to cope really. I had a mental breakdown the other night though.
Too much on my mind + Jack Daniels + Bacardi = tears.
I feel ultimately indebted to that person who was there for me. They know who they are. I feel a bit of release now that I've been able to tell someone about it. You really know when you've got good friends when they're willing to sit at a bus stop until 4:00am with you, just making sure you're okay.
I felt really guilty about it the next day, but as I said, I'm done with guilt.
It just isn't me anymore.
:)

Kiss the violets as they're waking up.

Small thought for today: Tori Amos is actually a MILF. ;)


I haven't really been up to anything exciting of late. There's been too many exams, to be perfectly honest. I'm not really sure how I've done. Stress, stress, stress.

I've been attempting to write as well. I'm actually rubbish at it, but I'm still trying. Haha. Lots of writing & reading have been going on in my little sphere. I've read some really good books in the past few weeks. Some that have changed my perspective on a lot of things.

My laptop has also commited suicide, so I'm illicitly using my mothers. I hope she doesn't find out. ;)

***

A few thoughts that have been whirring around my head lately. (I'd be pretty disturbed if they weren't to be prefectly honest ;D ) I've realised that I'm alone, but I'm not as lonely as I used to believe. I'm a pretty secretive person & I used to believe that was a bad trait. I now think the opposite. I like it. I don't want you to know absolutely everything. It would be rather boring if you did.

Life is too short for me to let it pass by. This doesn't mean I'm suddenly an optimist. There's something rather satisfactory about being pessimistic - I know that's a paradox, but it's true. ;)
I can't just be angry with myself forever. I'm through with the guilt & shame & the tears & pretending it's all okay.
Well, at least until tomorrow.

***

I apologise for this blog, I realise that it contains nothing of any interest at all. I just thought I better inform you (if you actually are out there, haha) that I'm not dead, or worse.

One final thought before I leave: you don't really know me at all, but you like to think you do. You make assumptions about me based on what little information you have. I don't understand why you did what you did. Jealousy? Spite? Hatred? To provoke a reaction? I'm not sure. Perhaps it was all of these reasons. I thought I needed you, but perhaps I don't. Maybe I do. I'm not entirely sure at the moment. I know that what I do need is confidence, assurance, friendship. I'm through with putting myself in a little box, just so that others can feel comfortable. I'm through with this great front that I put on.

I don't need you to tell me who I am, because I think I already know.

Oh Manchester, so much to answer for.

I should be in Manchester tonight.

It's not fair! Haha.

Is evil just something you are, or something you do?

I'm not really up to much blogging tonight, so instead I leave you two lovely poems by two of my favourites.



'Not Waving But Drowning' - Stevie Smith

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

***

I want a cat a little bit too much.

Why did you go... (IV) - e. e. cummings

why did you go
little fourpaws?
you forgot to shut
your big eyes.

where did you go?
like little kittens
are all the leaves
which open in the rain.

little kittens who
are called spring,
is what we stroke
maybe asleep?

do you know?or maybe did
something go away
ever so quietly
when we weren't looking.



Poetry calms me.

Feathers bend like trees in the moonlight.

I feel awful. I feel like a horrible person.
I can't keep myself from crying sometimes - three & a half years. That's a long time for someone of my age. I never meant to hurt anyone, let alone someone I care about deeply. I just hope that he knows how much I care. If he were to hate me - it would hurt, but I would accept it.
I've never deserved someone so understanding though. I'm too messed up, haha.

I hope that he is okay. I want to phone him up, just for a chat, but I'm scared that it will all end in tears. I don't want to mess his feelings around.

I would like to say that I'm coping well, but that would be a blatant lie. I definitely don't feel proud or happy with myself. Quite the opposite. I just hope things will work out okay. Friends is a nice way to be, right?

***

I'm just so confused.
I don't want to be hated by other people, I don't want to be seen as the 'bad woman'. At this current moment, I hate the decision I made. However, I feel like I can maybe accept who I really am now. I'm sick of being in denial. I'm sick of being so in denial that I can't even see it anymore.
I don't really quite know who to tell, to be perfectly honest.
I often think about saying it, but the words simply hover over my tongue & retreat back to the safety of my mind. I'm like that with a lot of things though. It's something I should've fixed a long time ago. Perhaps, I should start this year. Start afresh.

***

In other news, it is Bank Holiday Monday next week, which can only mean one thing... Going out on Sunday night! I'm looking forward to it. I just need to forget about the horrible thing I've done. I need to be all dressed up & cheered up. I might also go into Sixth Form tomorrow, to give Simon his present (finally). I just hope that he will be there. I hope that he'll like it. In fact, I'm pretty sure he will love it! Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I think it's time for a bath.
I'm also going to go drown my sorrows in Ashes to Ashes on BBC iPlayer, with some chocolate biscuits. Yay for police brutality - 1982 style. ;)

"There's a law against me now."

Keep my heart breaking in the dark, come & spend the night.

I feel sick. I don't like Sunday nights. They always make me feel horrible & detached.
I should be getting some sleep tonight, as I'm up early in the morning. I just can't.
My head is whizzing around like a toy car. Baaah.

Devils & Gods, now that's an idea.

Rain, rain, rain. Plip plop.
Tonight, whilst walking home from work, it began to rain. Not the nice plinky-plonky type of rain or that 'fine stuff that gets you wet' (according to my mother), it was the sweeping kind that always seems to have it's own malevolent ideas.
As I continued walking, I thought about how much I enjoy the sound of rain falling on my umbrella. No sooner had the thought come into my head when the heavens opened. The wind whipped up around me, attempting to lift me up, up, up and away, but I stood firm. I was soaked to the skin - the thought of a nice cup of chamomile tea warmed me from the outside in.
By the time I had reached my front door, all was still. The rain was over as quickly as it began. I scrabbled around in my bag, shivering and hunting for my key. I love returning home from bad weather. I was welcomed home by the all too familiar process of steamed up glasses and aching hands. (I have bad circulation.) However, the thought of a nice chamomile tea was at the forefront of my mind, when much to my dismay, I realised we had none left. Oh well.
At least I'm wrapped up in my pyjamas now.

***

I don't really have a lot to say. I left Ashfield for good on Thursday. It was a strange day: tinted with nostalgia, but also full of joy to be leaving that place behind. I have a lot of bad memories of that place - the good ones outweigh them far too much though.
I will miss the Philosophy & Ethics class. I joined that group feeling totally left out. I never really felt like I integrated well enough at the beginning, I always felt on the fringes & as if no-one would miss me if I left. My attitude has totally changed in the short space of about two years.
I now feel like part of a group. There is not one person in that class who isn't great in their own way. Everyone works together & even though we are all distinctly different - there is just something about the group that clicks.
I feel so fortunate to have met those people.

Top row:(L-R) Mr Ackerman, Ebbie, Maria, Bryony, Emma, Simon, Me
Bottom row (L-R)Laura, Bekky, Gabrielle (I was going to type Gabby, but I like Gabrielle better, ha.)

***

I have been looking through a lot of my old photos recently. There's a few good ones in there. I may post them up here. Photography is a habit of mine that I don't indulge in enough. I like to take pictures of all sorts really. I just wish I had the money to afford a good camera that would help me broaden my distinctly amateurish skills!

I really should get a dailybooth, seeing as I'm so narcissistic with a camera. ;)
I like self portraits though, if I can be pretentious enough to call them that.

***

I don't really have much more to say, to be perfectly honest. I'll leave you with a passage from the book I'm currently (re-) reading: 'number9dream' by David Mitchell. I don't care what people say about his borrowing of ideas & themes from Murakami - this book gripped me in a way that Murakami's writings never have. Oh and on a final note - when he uses the word 'submarine', he is really talking about an underground train.

"Us drones all swing and lurch in droozy unison as the train changes speed. Normally only lovers and twins get this close to other people. I like the way nothing needs to be decided on submarines. I like the muffled clunking. Tokyo is one massive machine made of smaller components. The drones only know what their minute component is for. I wonder what Tokyo is for. I wonder what it does... I like the brew of swear, perfume, crushed food, grime, cosmetics. I like how you can study reflected faces, so deeply you can almost leaf through their memories. Submarines carry drones, skulls carry memories, and one man's shithole may be another man's paradise."

Meet me at the fountain, shove me on the patio.

My thought of the day:

Is it wrong to detest a political hate group?

Simply because I bloody hate the BNP.

I dreamt about you last night & I fell out of bed twice.

I miss laughing so hard that my stomach hurt.

We'll see how brave you are. We'll see how fast you'll be running.

I've abandoned this blog for a bit. It just seems that every time I come to write something, it never seems interesting enough.
I don't really feel like talking to anyone at the moment. I'm quite content to be wrapped up in bed, sharing my thoughts with no-one but myself. I'm currently in a calm place (some would call it callous) & I have no desire to leave yet.

It makes a welcome change from the other week. I hadn't slept in three days & I had a severe case of the shakes. I couldn't even type properly anymore. I had a breakdown in tutor. My mind was just whirring around for 72 hours+ & it wouldn't let me go. I felt quite hopeless, a slave to my own body. It's not a nice feeling. I'm getting sleepless more often now. I find there's far too much in my stupid brain for me to handle! Haha.
I'm just so glad I feel better right now.
Although, who knows how I'll feel when exams roll around. I'm already feeling the stress. I have six exams next week! Bloody hell. I'm currently trying to save up money, but god knows I'll need a night out by the end of next week, haha.

***

I'm currently spending a lot of time by myself. Which in a way, isn't at all bad. I'm trying to sort out the mess that I'm in. The mess inside my head. I wish I could be the balanced happy person that I want to be. I wish I made sense.

Other than this, I've been feeling more positive than normal. I'm not quite sure what the cause is yet, otherwise I would bottle it (in case of emergency ;) Haha).

I just can't mention how this situation makes me feel. I feel like the old me has withered and died. I'm waiting for the better person to blossom now.

Shyness is nice...

"...and shyness can stop you."

Officially the sunniest happiest song I know. I wish I knew someone who liked it too. I love it at the moment.

It's rather odd how a song can change your day in the slight space of about 3 minutes.
It's made me realise that I can't just spend "warm summer days indoors".

Oh dear. I wonder how long this spate of optimism will last?

***

Other than feeling quite sunny for a change, I haven't been having a very good day. My throat is killing me. My tonsils are a bit inflamed, but there's no use in visiting the doctor as he still doesn't believe that I should have a tonsillectomy. Even though there's only about 1cm space at the back of my throat, I have trouble eating & I often wake up through the night feeling like I can't breathe. Oh well. I suppose doctors know best, eh?

Dear God, if I could I would help you.

Today was remarkably less sunny than the days before. I wish it had stayed nice.

We were studying existentialism in philosophy & ethics today, when my teacher asked us if we had ever had the feelings of angst & dread described in the text, & he told us a tale about Camus (I think it was him) & a book he wrote. Apparently in this book he described how the world totally overwhelmed him & he realised that only death is permanent and that the events and actions in one's life are meaningless.Trying to comprehend the 'everything-ness' of it all eventually led him to kill himself. (Fictionally.)
He then asked the class if we ever felt like that, if we felt overwhelmed by the world, & everyone just laughed. I sat silently in my chair, knowing that is how I feel every single day.
(I don't think I've done a very good job of explaining Camus & his book or whatever.)

I was also reading my (written) journal the other day when I realised how much I had abandoned it. I abandoned it for this blog which in a way is less private, but contains more purpose. Or at least I'd like to believe so. It's rather funny how frank I am in my journal in contrast to the ambiguity of this blog. Altogether, ambiguity is not really a bad trait to have. ;)
Or at least I would like to think so.



One of these days, preferably a hazy drunken afternoon, I will loosen my tongue. I will talk about how I feel, I will talk about the confusion, I will talk about the sadness, about the bad times, the weather, politics & suicide. I will talk about how to make the perfect muffin, how to pretend you can dance, the motives, the apathy, the fear & admiration. I'm just not entirely sure when this will be. I anticipate it wholeheartedly.

***

Last night I was thinking. As usual.
I was thinking about all the things I really miss. I don't know how I've come to miss them because before this I never really realised that they had gone away. I suppose you only know what you've got 'til it's gone, eh?

A list:
how you used to pick me up & spin me around, having a bath in a house that is not your own - but it's okay, pretending to have a string out the top of my head, thinking I was the bees knees, dressing (& dancing) like a star, never actually getting the 11.30 train & being too cool for the back of the train, immensely high platform boots, dances in the kitchen to songs we never liked, hide & seek in a cul-de-sac, when hanging round the skate park was cool, lying in that bed until 3.00pm - simply because it was cold, changing room gossip, when things felt new & exciting, garage lunches, colour co-ordinated lunches - purple especially, being part of 'the girls', when a crush didn't become complicated, feeling like growing up was a long way away, having nice conversations with an art teacher, misusing the iMac to play on Garageband, "why do I do all the donkey work?", the kitchen table, going round the roundabout until you felt sick & deliberately bumping each other on the see-saw, walking your dog, staying up all night to talk utter nonsense, thinking I was good at writing poetry - hah, when Pimp My Ride UK used to make us roll around the floor, how you used to always make me food, when I could do a reasonably good french accent, messing around with tapes, actually having artistic talent, performing on stage, "thinking about playing badminton", the endless walk home, being good at denying my feelings, having pink hair, that day we sat on the swings in the rain, having a friend who didn't hide the facts of that situation, writing the most awful songs, the "mellow yellow cello", Kate Bush down the Low Green, nipping into Stationary Box, going to a practise booth & just talking to the person next door, when that girl tripped on the treadmill, "1... 2... It's the Gothic crew" - made up by other people & not a self inflicted name!, fancying those 6th years, my first pair of New Rocks, being a token couple, going to the Cathouse, buying overpriced clothes - I still do this tbh, wiring our first plug with Mr Gray!, before striped tights & socks got banned from school, "IT'S NOT A TRUMPET, IT'S AN Eb CORNET!", when kisses in the rain were actively seeked out, getting out of lessons all day for christmas concerts, the way we knitted our fingers together on walks home from the park - like it was a crime, when it was £2.35 for a return to Glasgow, feeling like I meant something.
etc etc etc etc etc.


That dog is howling outside my window again.

Sing me to sleep.

"I shall never get out of this! There are two of me now:
This new absolutely white person and the old yellow one,
And the white person is certainly the superior one.
She doesn't need food, she is one of the real saints.
At the beginning I hated her, she had no personality --
She lay in bed with me like a dead body
And I was scared, because she was shaped just the way I was..."

I'm just so sick of this shit. I'm so angry right now.

I'm not even sure what I'm angry at anymore.

***

I feel endlessly, hopelessly, completely alone sometimes.

I wish that this wasn't my only output for these feelings because I feel that I use this blog for that line of thought far too much & it has become miserable, which is probably not very nice reading material. (Assuming that anyone other than my friends read this.)

I suppose I can't help the way I feel.

That has become my mantra throughout my life, but it doesn't make things any easier. I wish that I could help the way I feel, I wish I could alter my emotions & make them stop sometimes. I know it all sounds pretty nihilistic & extremely bleak but alas, such is life.

I don't really know where my life is going anymore. I'm scared.

I can see my fate in your eyes.

I'm going to be sociable tonight. I'm going to force myself to laugh, force myself to pretend that there is something behind my green eyes. Will you be any good at spot the difference?

I hope so.

I just can't stay here every yesterday.

You'll never know just how hard this is.

I've broken my own heart - I was convinced that it had withered & died a long time ago, but it was still there. Still tapping out the same worn out beat.

I'm not entirely sure how I worked myself into this situation, or why I feel this way. I wish I knew the answers.

***

Person 1 - That night I spent at yours, I hated myself for not telling you sooner. As much as I don't like to burden you with my problems, I wish that I could phone you at 3am & know that you would listen. Sometimes I get tired of trying to cope on my own. Whenever I'm around you I feel a duty to be clever, funny, happy, wise.
I would like to reveal my weaknesses to you more often.
When you asked me if I thought I should visit the doctor, I shrugged it off. I know that I should, but I also know it isn't that simple.
There are far too many things that I wish I had the courage to say to you.


Person 2 - We have conversations that are far too interesting (if you take age into consideration). I love how we constantly cut across one another - we just have too much to say & little time in which to say it. You'll never know how much I endlessly admire you. I wish that I had your talent & vision. I wish I had your way of thinking.
There's something that I want to tell you - many things, in fact. I'm too afraid that you'll hate me for keeping them secret, or that you'll no longer want to be my friend. I couldn't bear to lose you.
I love our little jokes & the uncontrollable laughter that ensues.


Person 3 - I never really meant it when I said I hated her. I've just always felt that you were far too good for her. I actually just hated the way she treated you - she could make my blood boil sometimes.
I often get nervous about how you perceive me after what I told you that night. I don't like it, I never have. I'm trying to accept it as part of me, but it is harder than I ever imagined. I do love how I feel comfortable with talking to you. My throat doesn't seize up in the normal way.
I've never mentioned the dream I had about you.


Person 4 - I look at you - I feel guilt. I often think that I am destined to live a life tinged with regret.

***

All the things I'll never say. It's such a shame that I have no spine.

Perhaps I am seeing issues that have never existed?

I wish you would push me to talk, but life is not a one-way street.
I want to pour my heart out to you, but the stopper seems to be stuck.

If you ever read this, could you please ask me why?

I hope that you're folding stars.

I wish that I was beautiful - in every sense of the word.
Beautiful & terrible. Is this such a bad aspiration?

Am I still ill?

Nothing in particular. - This is how I feel today.

Is it so wrong not to like yourself anymore?
Why did I do that twice?
Can I change?
Is apathy really such a bad trait?
Why don't you hate me?
Could I be a better person?
Do I actually enjoy feeling this way?
Can't you just listen?
Did this ever happen to you?
Is there any great harm in pessimism?
Could I be any worse?
Will you please stop time?
Do you even care?
Is it possible to laugh & be sad?
How can you know the truth?
Did that just happen?

Do I have more questions?

I feel very sick & tired & stupid today. There's no point anymore.

When your sparkle evades your soul, I'll be at your side to console.

I was tired earlier, but I'm not anymore. I haven't slept in about 44 hours. :/
The last time I went to bed it was Monday night. I don't think I'll sleep tonight either. There's too much rattling about in the old brainbox for me to even try & sleep.

So, I'm trying to content myself by listening to allsorts on my iPod. I've found myself being comforted by acoustic music more & more these days. I'm not quite sure why, perhaps because I'm becoming more subdued in my old age? Haha. I am an old woman trapped in a young girls body though.
I'm currently listening to Emmy the Great's debut album - 'First Love'. It's lovely & acoustic & very 'english'. If there is such a thing. She sounds quite like a straight-talking Laura Marling, but different at the same time. You'll understand if you hear her music.
Here is her myspace page if you fancy having a little listen. Also, the review by The Times of her latest album, if you fancy having a read too. I should be paid for this endless plugging!

I have some work for psychology that should be finished for the morning. However, I find writing this blog far more interesting. Procrastination should be my middle name! I find it amusing how time flies quickly when you're doing something that is even half-interesting & when you are doing something important (i.e. schoolwork) it seems to drag endlessly.

I suppose I really should go get it done. Also, I can't really think of anything else to write at this moment in time. (When I log off, it's inevitable that I'll get an idea! Haha.)
:)

I'm so clever, but clever ain't wise.

So, on to the subject of Mr Peter Doherty's performance on the 18th of March.
Overall, I really enjoyed the night: one of the few gigs where I've come out & thought 'I want to do that all over again'. That thought has stayed with me for a few days now actually. If someone offered me some tickets tomorrow, I would jump at the chance.

I'm really enjoying his current solo album - it's light, refreshing and new. It's quite unlike the disenchanted anthemic sounds of The Libertines or even Babyshambles, it's toned down and actually quite beautiful. All this, without losing the essence that he gives his previous work. I like it :}
(Although I hate how I sound like I'm reviewing the album, haha.)

Overall, I had a really good time. It was quite rowdy & noisy & full of people singing along. I liked it that way though. There was beer flying everywhere, a girl with one shoe, a lot of pointed fingers in the air, " 'aaave it" type laddish behaviour & just a general camaraderie. I'm not really selling it, am I? Haha. It was much better than it sounded. Although this man kept brushing my hair when he was taking photographs. He then preceded to lean his camera/arms on Amy's head! Hmmm. What a strange man.

There was quite a few photographs taken over the course of the night, however most of them have come out blurry or with hands right in the middle! Arg. This is what I get for not eating my greens & growing a few inches. I really enjoy gigs, but that's my pet hate. I'm so small. I always end up behind the tall ones! This is why I like making my way to the front row - I'm not in anyones way (being so small) & I can actually see! Which makes a pleasant change.

"I have a very bad relationship with the future. We don't get on. We just ignore each other."

Jesus made me, so he should save me.

Today has been a sun sun sunny day. I wore my lovely new lemon coat & felt all sunny too. Bought my mum some flowers for mothers day & looked at Macs. I would like an Apple Mac, seeing as I'm too stupid to work a pc. Hm.

I haven't done anything of great significance today. Oh well.
I've been padding about the house on my own, listening to Morrissey for the past hour. Pretty normal stuff, eh? I really really want to go see Morrissey again (so much so that I used the phrase 'really really' - which I hate) & I know by posting that on this blog I will be the subject of ridicule (yes, by you, Amy Johnson) but I don't really care. No one else will read this anyway!

I am currently on a rampage to buy every CD I have ever downloaded. I think the girl in HMV was shocked the other day when I came to her holding all of the back catalogue of many different artists. She probably thought I should own them already. I'm just sick of dowloading. I'm quite happy to be surrounded by antiquities - I would buy records if I had enough money.

This adds further stock to my theory - I am out of time. I was born too late. In theory, it should be 1986. I often don't feel that I have much in common with most people my age. I mean, of course there are general exceptions, but I don't really care for thumping club music, flirting with strangers or getting beat up in toilets. However, when I've 'had one too many' I'll dance to anything. I do enjoy a good night out in the right place though. I like having a dance to some good indie & retro stuff - even though I dance like a baby elephant on smack. I am not at all graceful.

On a further note, I went to see the lovely Peter Doherty on Wednesday & I enjoyed it very much. I've never really heard so many people sing along to an acoustic gig. However, more on that later. I will write a blog on it & post some pictures tonight when I return from glorious work!

I'm off to depress myself with more The Smiths/Morrissey antics.

"I am hated for loving, I am haunted for wanting... I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine."

Touching from a distance, further all the time.

I've had another stupid wasted day, where I've planned to do things but the plans have never actually materialised. A reflection on my life! ;)

Like I said in my last post, I just feel like my life is a long withering string of wasted days. I want to be useful, argh. I've spent the day listening to Joy Division (as you can tell by the title). Feeling sorry for myself in other words, haha. I want to make myself more sociable & amiable & someone that people look to for fun & laughter. I'm boring. I thought only old people were boring. Oh well.

On the upside, I got a B in one of my psychology exams! I'm not quite sure how that happened, seeing as I barely turn up to lessons. I'm just finding it hard to drag myself out of bed in the morning. If there was an option to sleep for the rest of my life, only waking up to do something momentous, I would choose it. I like the idea of hibernation, like fuzzy bears, ha.

Paint a vulgar picture.

I haven't done anything today. I'm so lazy. :/
I didn't wake up until 1.00pm, so it was too late to go into school. I feel stupid. Oh well.
There's an advert on the tele about how Nostradamus predicted 9/11. How stupid. Apparently, his work has never/rarely gone out of print, even though there is serious mistranslation/interpretations of his work. You can make the quatrains fit any situation if you want. Blah. It's silly.

Now there's a programme on the tele about body modification. It's rather interesting. A man is getting a big pattern cut into his back. Ouch, it looks painful.

Today has been another strange day. It seems as if I'm suffering from a long string of strange days. I'm not quite sure what it is to be perfectly honest, but I was watching the tele last night, watching a concert, and I was hit by this feeling: an understanding of how we, as humans, are perpetually lonely. I don't mean that in a negative context, I just think that no matter how much we can connect with another human being, we can never truly know how they feel. You can try to empathise, sympathise, understand, but it never really works. Hmm. Maybe I speculate too much? Perhaps.

There seems to be too many strange thoughts floating around my head at the moment. Should I stay, should I go? Am I this person, or am I that kind of person? Does anyone actually like me for who I am? etc etc etc. I feel as if I'm standing on unsteady ground, just waiting for it to swallow me up and let me into the great 'secrets of life'. Perhaps there aren't any secrets to life. That would be an awful shame. I like secrets, haha.

I'm absolutely up to the eyeballs on pro plus and coffee, so I really want to write. However, I don't really know what to write here, as usual. I could go on and on about my life, but I don't suppose it makes interesting reading material. Not that many people will be reading this anyway! ;]

Oh yes, oh yes. I forgot. I've made some plans for the future now. I've actually got some ambitions, haha. I've decided that next year, or maybe 2011, that I want to do Camp America (www.campamerica.co.uk/index.php if you want to find out more) so I can just have a good time & get to help kids: something I have always wanted to do. It also gives the opportunity to travel & meet new people, so hopefully my stupidly low confidence will increase. :} It does mean spending summer away from home & perhaps 4000 miles away, but I've decided not to sit on my arse anymore & let opportunites pass me by. I've also decided on doing some volunteer work in the next few years, maybe not until after uni, in Estonia or maybe Romania. I'd like to do something worthwhile. Did you know that an estimated 75% of 0-3 year olds are in institutions/orphanages in Estonia?

I want to travel and see the world before I settle down to a career. I'm slightly scared that I might like travelling too much & end up living in some sort of crazy commune like in 'The Beach'! Haha. Then my degree (hopeful) would be for nothing. I sometimes think that theres much more to life than education, but I can also see the importance of academic study, I suppose. I want a degree, simply to have the security that it offers & because I actually enjoy learning, even though I know that it's not the be all & end all. Someone once said: 'There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more.' ;]

I have my psychology assignment to finish, and a stupid philosophy/ethics essay for Miss Kellsall. Grr. I can't be bothered to do it & it's also pretty late. I better do it anyway. :/

Ta ta.

Songbirds don't do singing on pavements.

This whole blog thing is rather new to me. I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea.
It may just become one of those things I do with vigour for about a month, then abandon. Usually not intentionally, mind.
So, I'm not entirely sure where to begin.

My eighteenth birthday came and went without anything great happening. Not that I didn't have a good time! New York was lovely, I really enjoyed spending time with my dad. I could have walked round that city for hours, even despite the biting February wind. It just seemed so 'alive' and vibrant. Clichéd, I know.
People bought me lots of nice presents, and Amy made me the best cakes. Mmm, they were yummy.
Amy & I had a good night out in Nottingham too, even if people thought we were lesbians, ha.

I'm at this really strange point in my life. Waiting patiently on the cusp of adulthood, and I have never felt more like a child in my whole life. It's unfamiliar ground I walk on now. I often think that I might be using university as a means to an end: that I think it will make me happy. I hope it will. I'm just afraid that I'll go and be no different.
Sometimes I wish that I could start my life all over again with a blank slate - tabula rasa. Simply so I could mould myself into the person I want to be.

However anyway, I need to get ready for work. :|
How rubbish.